I don’t mean that to sound judgmental or condescending.  It’s just hard to look at fashion, television, pop culture, etc and see anything remarkably classy or what would be considered old school conservatism.  And that’s a weird thing for me to even want; conservatism…me?  I’m by no means conservative or classy, but I think I hold my own and at least respect myself enough to dress and act properly in public.

It seems to me that we all keep pushing the envelope to see what we can get away with more so than pushing to find an acceptable compromise in the middle.  Like, I don’t have a problem hearing the work sh!t on a cable television show.  I do have a problem hearing the word b(ew)itch or ass used in regular over the air network broadcasts.  I have an even bigger problem with those words being acceptable and then the writers throwing in the maximum amount of usage per show in awkward ways just to make sure they hit the quota.  It’s just not necessary.  And I know people don’t say “heck” and “darn” in real life, but television doesn’t have to be reality all the time.

I guess I just come from that old school mentality that you should act the part…that television, movies, and music are forms of escape from real life and not supposed to be “real”…that overextending yourself in credit debt just to buy fancy clothes and cars doesn’t make you any richer, it makes you fake.  And all of that isn’t an attack on any one personally.  If that’s the way you choose to live your life, and those are the things you’re interested in that’s fine.  I’m looking at the big picture.  I’m looking at American culture as a whole.  When did these things become not only acceptable but part of our culture?

We’ve lowered our standards on acceptable foods.  We’ve lowered our standards on acceptable public education.  We’ve lowered our standards on governmental accountability.  We’ve lowered our standards on corporate accountability.  We’ve lowered our standards on acceptable speech, clothing, behavior, and pretty much everything it means to be an American.  The underwear goes inside the pants.  Skinny jeans shouldn’t be sold in any size over 6 for women or 29 for guys.  If you really can’t think of any other way to express what you have to say without cussing, you should break out a dictionary every once in a while.  Grammar’s not that hard.

When are we going to hit the edge of the envelope?  How do we return to those kinds of values, and better yet do you think we need to?  I’m sorry this is such a rant today, but it’s been on my mind.  It’s actually taken me 3 days to property write this piece.  I would appreciate your feedback…especially if you made it all the way through!

Have a great weekend.

Doing things for other people can become addicting.  It makes you feel good to do nice things for other people, and they (mostly) appreciate those things.  And there is nothing wrong with it even if they don’t appreciate it.  The point where it starts to become detrimental is when you sacrifice your own needs and wants to accommodate the other people.  It happens in marriages, friendships, work, and just about any place where you have interaction with people.  What should be a give and take relationship ends up becoming a give and give one.

A lot of times we either never realize that we’ve fallen into that kind of relationship or we just don’t care.  But it’s not only damaging to you but also to the person on the receiving end.  They come to expect that kind of treatment from others…especially when the give/give comes from a parent.  But we won’t get into that here.  I may have to save that one for next time.  The receiver of your attention comes to expect your behavior to revolve around theirs and they start to expect more out of you.  Their expectations run high and they begin to modify their behavior to get what they want from you…or others.

But it’s really not about them.  While it IS damaging to them, it’s your needs and wants that should come first.  Needs are non-negotiable while wants are always up for compromise.  If you’re sacrificing your time, your health, your work, your happiness then the other person should be as well.  If they are getting more than they are giving and it is negatively affecting your relationship, you need to reevaluate the relationship.  And that’s where the work comes in.

Like any addiction, recognizing the problem is the very first step. You have to be able to admit to yourself that you are unhappy and that you deserve to be having your needs and wants fulfilled as much as your partner.  The next steps don’t get any easier.  You have to establish a course of action.  Do you want to confront the other person?  Do you simply want to modify your behavior and expect the other person to change?  Do you want to completely remove yourself from the situation?  These are all very tough questions that come with their own sets of consequences and actions.

I see this all the time.  There are some people that bend over backwards to do and do for other people…important people like spouses and family.  The sacrifice their needs for others and when they finally can’t take it anymore, they simply walk away.  The family, friends, and spouses never knew that he/she was sacrificing so much because the person never said anything.  They just did.

In other situations, the person may overstate what they need or want to no avail.  The family and friends continue to take until the same situation occurs.  The person can’t give anymore and finally leaves.  Here the spouse, family and friends know why.  They understand and can try to modify their behaviors to meet some of the person’s needs.  They can try to rebuild the relationship by compromising on the needs/wants of everyone.

Looking out for yourself isn’t selfish.  It’s self-preservation.  You have to look at your needs first regardless of the relationship you’re in.  Then fulfill the needs of those around you if they can’t fulfill them on their own.  It’s important to keep that balance of give and take.  Some days you may give more and some days you may take more.  But as long as you’re not sacrificing your needs on a daily basis to appease others you’ll be doing fine.  For those that are, speak up.  Tell other people what you need, what you want, and what you can or can’t compromise on.  You can’t work on any relationship without communication.

I hope everyone has a great Monday.  To be continued…

Back in the real world of actual physical contact and speaking face to face, the wedding date looms near.  Today is officially 5 weeks away and we pretty much have everything planned out and ready to rock and roll.  If it could be done tomorrow, I’m sure we’d both jump on that.  But we’re being patient and waiting for that one last step before we can turn this house into home.

And the last few weeks have been in preparation of that “home-making.”  It’s been cleaned, painted, recleaned, lighting replaced, fans replaced, etc.  It’s looking more and more homey and getting to be a place that we’ve built together.  Now if we could just get the dog cleaned up and acting more lady like we’d be above and beyond!

Two years ago I never expected to be in this place again.  I never expected to be with my fiancee, in my own house, working as an independent contractor, owning a small dog instead of a big one…just a 180 from where life was heading just two years ago.  And I know I say this over and over again, but sometimes it’s not where you think you should be or what you should be doing, but where you need to be.

I ran into an old friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a few years.  He’s since been divorced, remarried and has a little boy.  We were talking about the old relationships, the new ones, and how different life is.  He made the comment that he wishes he would have gotten out of his relationship a few years earlier.  I told him that he was in it as long as he needed to be, and he looked at me like I was out of my mind.  So I had to explain what I meant.

I told him that I believed that we were supposed to learn something from each thing we encounter in our lives.  Once we learn our lesson we move on to the next thing.  That lesson is different for each person and for each situation.  Maybe it’s learning how to trust or learning how to forgive or just learning when to say ‘enough is enough.’  The point is to take those lessons that you learn from the previous and apply them to the next.  He sort of stood there for a second puzzled.  I could tell that he was trying to think back to what his lesson could have been.  Of course I didn’t ask.

The more you try to avoid learning the lesson, the harder the challenges become in the future.  And if you don’t learn something from each day in life, you’re really missing out.  Everyday should be a challenge to gain some kind of new knowledge about yourself or about life.  It can be anything from learning a new recipe to finding some kind of new information to actually looking at an old situation in a new light.  There’s always something new to learn.

For me, I’ve learned to trust again.  I’ve learned that self-preservation is good in moderation.  I’ve learned that you can put other people ahead of yourself in life, but that your needs come before their wants.  My dreams and goals are just as important as the next person’s.  And that life is way too short to be surrounded by only a few close friends.

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!  Comments are open again and should allow you to post anonymously.  If there are any problems there, please let me know.  Thanks

Do CEOs wake up in the morning thinking, “I’m going to bilk millions of people out of their money today?”  Do strippers and porn stars think about changing jobs on their way to work?  Do alcoholics ever think about the ramifications of their actions on other people?  For that matter do drug dealers think about how the product they’re selling affects millions of lives both directly and indirectly?

When you pull up to a street corner and see a “homeless man” with a sign, do you ever think he’s actually rich?  Do you think he’s pretending, or lazy?  When you see an African American man or woman in a suit at an office, do you think affirmative action?  When you see someone of Latin American or Central American decent, do you think illegal or undocumented worker?  When you see a business woman doing well, do you wonder who she slept with to gain her position?  When a man dresses fashionably or a woman plays “masculine” sports, do you assume that they are gay?  Does skinny equal eating disorder or over weight equal lazy?

When you see street preachers yelling at motorists on a hot afternoon, does it make you feel happy, angry, pity, or remorse?  Would it make a difference if they were yelling about politics or economics?  What if they were yelling about Islam or Budda?  Would that change your attitude?  If so, in what way?

When you see a boy/man with sagging pants do you automatically think “slob?”  When you see a girl/woman with tight and/or revealing clothing do you automatically think “slut?”  If someone is pierced and tattooed, does that automatically make them dangerous or a person that shouldn’t be trusted?  Does a bald headed white person automatically get labelled as a skin head or get looked at as a racist?

When you see a child acting out and a parent not doing anything about it, do you ever want to intervene?  What about when you see a parent spanking a child in public or doing something you consider “overly” disciplining…would you want to intervene then?  When you see a teenager wearing clothing you consider inappropriate (too revealing, saggy, bad language, dirty, wrinkled) does it reflect badly on the teenager or the parents or both?

These are all questions that reflect our stereotypes.  While they may not be questions that we all ask, they ARE out there every day.  They force us to look at our own morals, our own judgements, and our own issues. They teach us lessons about how we should view the world and how we should treat other human beings.  They are all racist, sexist, homophobic, and discriminatory.  And yes, we’ve all thought some of these thoughts at some point in our life.  Does that make us all of those things?  Not necessarily.

Thoughts are just that, thoughts.  Our actions are the things that make us decent or indecent.  The way we speak and the harshness/kindness in our words can also be just as staggering as our actions.  Our impulses in what we feel and what we think will always be there.  They are our guides, and it’s up to us to have the final say.  We have to make the right choices when dealing with our thoughts.  That’s what makes us decent or indecent.

What else makes us decent?  What does that even mean?  If it just means respectable behavior, is that enough?  Should we even be trying to modify our behavior to be socially acceptable and decent?  Are there people, occupations, etc that aren’t decent, aren’t respectable, or socially acceptable that we should automatically rule out as ever having a chance of being decent?

And finally…is there ever a point in your day, week, month, year where you can literally look at yourself in the mirror and know 100% that you are a decent person?  What makes you feel that way?

The opposite of civilized would be barbarian.  But I don’t think I’d go so far as to say that some people are barbaric.  But some times the things we do still appear to be uncivilized.  It’s not so much a lack of education or understanding of those “advanced” concepts, it’s that our thoughts and actions will always go back to a primitive state.  It’s just who we are as people…as animals.  We live, breathe, bleed, cry, and we act out.

How much has really changed since the dark ages with regards to how we interact in society?  Of course we have technology to open the world up in new ways, but on the local level have we really evolved from that grand old past?  Are we not still sexual, vengeful, greedy, covetous, and gluttonous people?  We may have more technology but apparently that hasn’t changed the way we perceive the world around us.

We’re still very visceral.  Sex sells.  Violence is entertaining.  Money is power.  Food and drink are in abundance.  Advertising plays at our weaknesses as people, and entertainment feeds our desire for animalistic behavior.  Who are we to turn it down?  Do you see what I’m getting at?  Although we have those “advanced” systems in place where society as a whole learns and matures, we don’t ever escape those rudimentary emotions and impulses.

Take the death penalty for example.  1000 years ago you could be hung for treason.  You could have been burned at the stake for being an alleged witch.  In some countries they were still stoning and crucifying.  Even less than 50 to 100 years ago there were public executions.  Today the death penalty is widely debated.  And one of the best arguments against is, “What if someone killed your brother?  Should that person die?”  Does it depend on the circumstances?  Now, “what if your brother killed someone?  Should he die?”  If your answer was yes to the first and no to the second, why?  Why should one person be held to a different standard than another?

Society has rules.  We all know them, and we all know they’re not perfect.  When I look out at the world I look for civilization.  I look for knowledge.  I look for those attempting to stifle those primitive impulses.  No one is perfect.  I know that my anger still rears its head from time to time.  My greed sometimes gets the best of me.  And even during those times I find it hard to think of myself as civilized.  I question how I would have lived my life at different time periods…placing myself in the conditions of that time.  I don’t believe that I would have been one of the civilized lot then either.

It’s tough looking around at the world without reverting back in some ways.  We need to eat, we need to breathe, and we need to live.  Everything in between makes us human.  It makes us part of society.  And for better or worse we have to belong.  We have to be a part of a Culture (with a big C), even if not everyone is as well-mannered or civilized as the next.

If there are errors in the writing here and there you’ll have to forgive me a little.  It’s 4am and I’m a day late putting this online.  I hope everyone has a terrific weekend.  Comments are open.  Thanks

Today is Monday, of course, and we need to kick it off right.  No this isn’t an optimist’s post about being bright and sunshiney.  But I bet that could be fun.  It’s more about getting things in line.  A few weeks ago I posted a blog, that I seem to be unable to find now, about jobs.  It was based on a post I made on Facebook about taking your job for granted and someone coming in and taking it.  It’s happened to me, it’s happened to people I know, and I’m sure it’s happened to either you or someone you know.  You can only take something for granted for so long before it isn’t yours anymore.

Every Monday I sign on to Facebook and see people complaining about having to go to work.  And every Monday I think, “At least you have a job to go to every Monday.”  It may suck, and it may not be what you want to do for the rest of your life.  But at least it’s something.  Some people do it in jest, not intentionally meaning to sound that way.  They may really like their job and enjoy having it, but it’s the fact of getting up every morning and doing it that gets to them.  But they work through, they do it, and they don’t complain too much about it.

Then on the other side of that you have the people that just stop trying.  They show up late, they only do the essentials, and they leave.  The job is just a job with no real sense of importance or meaning.  It’s a place where they go just to earn money.  It isn’t about working with other people, or dealing with customers, or even doing a good job.  It’s about “how can I make this as advantageous to my schedule and needs as possible?”

Well if that’s your attitude, I’ll take your job.  So will any of the other educated unemployed people in the area.  If you don’t want it or don’t appreciate it, I’m sure your boss would love to have someone in your place with a better attitude.  Sign me up.  The fact is, work sucks.  But so does life.  So get a helmet.  If you come in late every day, slack off on the job, do the bare minimum, and just get by to get a pay check, you shouldn’t even think about questioning it when your boss pulls you aside and puts you on notice.

That’s the other half of the argument….taking responsibility.  If your boss actually has to put you on notice because you come in late, slack off, or anything else, that’s a good sign that it’s not them, IT’S YOU.  It’s your work ethic, or lack thereof.  If the money isn’t that important then you don’t need to be there.  If the work isn’t that important to you, then you don’t need to be there.  If it’s not worth your time, then you don’t need to be there.  And all 3 of those will show through to your employer.

Take stock of yourself and your work ethic.  No job is every going to be great 100% of the time.  But you don’t have to suffer through it or make your co-workers pick up your slack.  Be responsible. Take personal responsibility for your actions, or lack of action.  If you’re content with being “real” or making work fit around your schedule, don’t be surprised when someone new comes in to take your place.  We’re all replaceable in any job we do.  The minute we forget that is the minute we get replaced.

Hope everyone has a great Monday! See you later this week.

So much for an “off week.”  I took this week to completely retool the entire blog.  I’m now on a dedicated server instead of WordPress.com and have uploaded some really new things.  I’m still working on adding the blog roll and a few minor glitches in the coding.  The main reason for today’s post is to check everyone’s subscription updates.  They are still point to the main site so everything should be fine.  If not, please let me know in a comment.  Of you can email me at through the contact link.  If, through your browsing, you see anything that needs my attention like a bad link or, God forbid, poor spelling and grammar let me know.  For now, enjoy the new links and added space.

Also if you have a blog that you’d like to have linked…that’s relevant…please post it here in the comments as well.  If there are features that aren’t here, also let me know.  I’ve tried to transfer over pretty much everything, but I’m sure there are some things that could still be added.  Thanks again.

Carter

When I first started this blog I concentrated on relationships.  We talked about friendships, marriages, and breakups.  And during one of those conversations we talked about trust.  Just to recap, the main portion of the discussion dealt with why we stay in situations where we believe that we can’t trust the other person.  If there’s mistrust anywhere in the relationship, it is doomed to failure.  And that covers friendships, marriages, jobs, etc, etc.  Think of any place you’ve been or any relationship you’ve been in and think back to how long it lasted after doubt entered into the picture.  Well that’s external mistrust.  What about internal mistrust?

Yes, I do believe there is such an animal.  There are situations where we can’t trust ourselves to make the right decision.  We over analyze and we over question things.  Can I make it through this job?  Is my love going to be enough to get me through this rough time in our marriage?  Can I pull off wearing this outfit at my age?  Ok, the last one was a stretch.  But you see where I’m going.  Self-doubt.  We don’t believe we’re good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, strong enough, or talented enough to do the things we need to do or to attract the kind of people we think we should attract.

“Can I handle this?”  Sure you can.  If you have doubts, communicate them.  ”I don’t think I’m going to make my bills this month.  Can you please help me?”  A lot of us have been there before.  ”I think he’s cheating on me but I don’t much proof.”  If there is doubt, communicate that doubt.  There is no reason to stress yourself out over a situation that someone else is causing.  The first rule of any kind of relationship is communicate.  If you can’t bring yourself to make that first step, it can end up being a long and treacherous road.

Well where do you start?  There is a fine art to questioning.  If done incorrectly it can lead to the blame game and finger pointing.  Both of which do nothing to incite positive communication.  You really have to own your own issues.  ”I’m have a feeling that you’re keeping something from me is there something we need to talk about”  is better than “what are you trying to hide?”  The first ins’t accusatory.  The second one is and will immediately lead to a defensive answer.  What you want is to describe how you feel and how you see things without projecting accusations towards the other person.  And that sometimes can be very hard.

There is nothing wrong with voicing concerns or questioning a friend or a spouse on the status of the relationship.  But there are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.  For each person those boundaries will be different.  Just remember to respect those boundaries in the relationship.  Think of it like this: You have a working relationship with your employer, but they don’t allow you to go and review other employees’ records.  Why would a friend or spouse want you to go through their records unknowingly?  If there is enough mistrust to warrant a search, there is already something much deeper going on in the relationship that needs to be discussed.

At the end of the day we all have to be able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with ourselves, our relationships, and our actions.  But it all comes back to us.  We all have issues and we all have our ways of dealing with them.  Remember though that it is about “me” first.  Projecting our own insecurities and issues to the other person is unfair and will lead to problems.  Accusatory questioning and communication will further that rift.  Look at the way you ask questions.  Are you actually stating how you feel or simply projecting your emotions at the other person?  There is a method to the fine art of questioning.  Think about it.  Apply it.  Watch the way in which you handle relationships change.

The past seems like a distant memory but it’s right there.  We can still see it, we can still feel it affecting us, and in some ways we can still touch it and smell it.  So what does that say about our future?  It’s coming just as quickly as the past went away.  I’ve been thinking about this even more lately as we’ve been planning our wedding.  I feel like I just asked her to marry me yesterday and here we are now only 8 and a half weeks away. The major planning is done, but it comes up on you so quickly.

I wonder sometimes, does time slow down after you start a family?  Does time slow down for you to enjoy those days of peace and quiet?  Or does it speed up to make you be more productive?  Can we do anything more to savor those times we want to remember?  If the distant past seems like yesterday is the distant future really coming up like tomorrow?  I’ve looked back sometimes and thought “Wow, I’m over 30 and I’m hopefully not even half way there yet.”  I tell myself that I have a lot of time and that 30 years is an eternity. But is it really…especially when you can remember so far back with such clarity?

The future is coming.  We’re still without flying cars and the Hoverboard, but I’m still holding out hope.  I’m also holding out hope that one day I will be an old, old man with grandchildren all around and a woman I’ve had some of the best and worst times with right by my side.  Some days I think that I can’t wait for those days, but then I realize what I’d miss out on if I skipped all of those times in between in order to get there.  I enjoy looking back on my past with fondness.  There are good times and there are bad times.  There are times when I had nothing and times where I think I had everything.  I don’t have many regrets, and I wouldn’t change one thing.  All of my past brought me to the point where I am now.  I’m going into the future humble, happy, with family, with friends, and most importantly, with a partner.