Live for you

There is a balance between being a selfish friend, lover, worker, person and being a push over.  On the selfish hand you are the only thing that matters and if the other person doesn’t like it…well…you don’t need them.  On the overly giving hand, you do everything for everyone.  Their wants and needs come before your own, and you basically never get to do or have the things you want.  It seems like a pretty wide open range there, but I think you’d be surprised at how many people have a hard time falling into the middle area.

Doing things for other people can become addicting.  It makes you feel good to do nice things for other people, and they (mostly) appreciate those things.  And there is nothing wrong with it even if they don’t appreciate it.  The point where it starts to become detrimental is when you sacrifice your own needs and wants to accommodate the other people.  It happens in marriages, friendships, work, and just about any place where you have interaction with people.  What should be a give and take relationship ends up becoming a give and give one.

A lot of times we either never realize that we’ve fallen into that kind of relationship or we just don’t care.  But it’s not only damaging to you but also to the person on the receiving end.  They come to expect that kind of treatment from others…especially when the give/give comes from a parent.  But we won’t get into that here.  I may have to save that one for next time.  The receiver of your attention comes to expect your behavior to revolve around theirs and they start to expect more out of you.  Their expectations run high and they begin to modify their behavior to get what they want from you…or others.

But it’s really not about them.  While it IS damaging to them, it’s your needs and wants that should come first.  Needs are non-negotiable while wants are always up for compromise.  If you’re sacrificing your time, your health, your work, your happiness then the other person should be as well.  If they are getting more than they are giving and it is negatively affecting your relationship, you need to reevaluate the relationship.  And that’s where the work comes in.

Like any addiction, recognizing the problem is the very first step. You have to be able to admit to yourself that you are unhappy and that you deserve to be having your needs and wants fulfilled as much as your partner.  The next steps don’t get any easier.  You have to establish a course of action.  Do you want to confront the other person?  Do you simply want to modify your behavior and expect the other person to change?  Do you want to completely remove yourself from the situation?  These are all very tough questions that come with their own sets of consequences and actions.

I see this all the time.  There are some people that bend over backwards to do and do for other people…important people like spouses and family.  The sacrifice their needs for others and when they finally can’t take it anymore, they simply walk away.  The family, friends, and spouses never knew that he/she was sacrificing so much because the person never said anything.  They just did.

In other situations, the person may overstate what they need or want to no avail.  The family and friends continue to take until the same situation occurs.  The person can’t give anymore and finally leaves.  Here the spouse, family and friends know why.  They understand and can try to modify their behaviors to meet some of the person’s needs.  They can try to rebuild the relationship by compromising on the needs/wants of everyone.

Looking out for yourself isn’t selfish.  It’s self-preservation.  You have to look at your needs first regardless of the relationship you’re in.  Then fulfill the needs of those around you if they can’t fulfill them on their own.  It’s important to keep that balance of give and take.  Some days you may give more and some days you may take more.  But as long as you’re not sacrificing your needs on a daily basis to appease others you’ll be doing fine.  For those that are, speak up.  Tell other people what you need, what you want, and what you can or can’t compromise on.  You can’t work on any relationship without communication.

I hope everyone has a great Monday.  To be continued…