The Average Carter

Today’s topic is one that hit a little bit close to home this week.  The past is the past and as readily as the scars of something seem to vanish, they also tend to reappear in ways you really never expect.  Infidelity, mistrust, lying, and deceit in a relationship carry over for both individuals in a relationship. Liars wonder if they can ever be trusted, and those lied to wonder when the new person is going to lie to them.  The same can be said for the cheaters/cheated, abusers/abused, neglecters/neglected, etc.

I had a very interesting conversation with a really good friend yesterday that kind of covered all of those bases and tied into some things that happened over the weekend for me.  My conversation was with a woman trying to make sense of how/why her ex-spouse could feel, say, and do the things he did and how she allow herself to stay with him.  And now she’s wondering if she’s going to carry those patterns into a new relationship.  Is it going to be cyclical? Am I going to trust again?  Will I find someone that will understand what I’ve gone through in my past?  Will I be able to get passed my past?

At first I thought about it and considered it to be a way for her to boost her self-esteem and work towards a better self image.  We talked about following the signs he put out.  We talked about taking responsibility for the things we can control.  And we talked about not focusing on his faults in the relationship, but instead focusing on why she decided to remain with him despite those faults.  After all, relationships and breakups are 2 way streets. We make a conscience choice to accept what is happening or to rebel against it.

The one thing we didn’t talk about in depth was the carryover effect.  For people coming from damaged relationships, the after effects usually don’t show up until a new relationship is started.  We carry over certain images and signs from our exes and apply those to the new relationship unfairly.  We wait to be cheated on, we wait to be abused, we wait to be neglected.  Or we wait until something “makes” us cheat, abuse, or neglect.  But we apply those old relationship filters unjustly.

The fault doesn’t reside in the new relationship.  It’s a part of the person coming from the damaged relationship.  In order to make that new relationship work we can’t project those same filters.  It’s not the same person, it’s not the same situation, and hopefully the relationship doesn’t display the same characteristics as the old one did.  We have to be fair to the new and unknown and not project the old and embattled as a requisite.

We generally know what we want when we start anew. We also know what we don’t want.  We want love, we don’t want to be neglected, we want compatibility, we don’t want negativity.  And likewise we want to be able to give those things to our new partners.  When or if the scars from the past resurface, we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners.  We have to realize that it’s not their fault and look for the signs that point back to our past.  It’s a rough thing to do…to point the finger at the person in the mirror…but we have to remember that we only have total control of one person.  Sometimes it’s humbling, sometimes it’s humiliating, and sometimes it’s nearly impossible.  But it’s necessary to get passed the past and to work towards the future.

Hope you all have a great Wednesday.